If you are in recovery you have no doubt heard the saying “walking around in a pink cloud.” Unbeknown to myself I was one of those pink cloud walkers. I say was because the bottom just dropped out of my pink cloud and I now find myself immersed in gray.


In the beginning of my addiction recovery I was experiencing everything in my life for what felt like the first time. I had spent so many years of my life walking around in a drug induced fog that I had missed out on well, living. To be sober and have sober thoughts and feelings seemed so rewarding in itself that surely life was going to be great from here

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on in.



I was under the impression that once I stopped using drugs all of the behaviors and character flaws that I possess would simply melt away. They had to right? It couldn’t be me as a person that was so messed up, it had to be the result of my drug use.


I wasn’t prepared for the fact that I would actually have to work at becoming a better person. I guess it is my addictive thinking brain that wanted all the rewards of a clean and sober life without having to actually work for them. Instant gratification is what I’m used to getting, it’s what I want and what I have sadly realized is not going to happen.


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So I find myself in the gray. I guess this is where the real work begins. The gray is where I have to take a very honest look at myself and see what needs to be done in order to become the person that I ultimately want to be. They gray is where I will no doubt feel pain and fear when dealing with situations that I have allowed myself to run from in the past. The gray is not about gratification or having the feeling of elation, it is about building the foundation on which I will rest my life.


What allows me to sleep in comfort at night is knowing that just as the pink cloud portion of

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my recovery passed…this too shall pass. Once I have put in the effort and the time needed to improve myself I will be left with the results. Although not instant, I will once again have gratification.


Erin Savage is a mother, a wife and a recovering drug addict. Sharing her stories is a big part of her recovery. She is hoping that while helping herself through her writing she will also be providing help and hope to others. She is living by the motto “You only get to keep what you give away”.


Currently Erin is publishing her writing on her personal addiction recovery website http://www.whatwinnersdo.com